Long Time Gone

I haven’t written on here for a year and two months. I have wanted to. Numerous times, but it always seems like I don’t know where to begin. My thoughts are scattered and never seem to coincide with what I really want to say. With what I need to say. Several times I had gotten inspired and had my mind racing as if I already had the pen and paper or laptop in my hands writing away. By the time I did get to it, it was all gone. Sitting in my car at the grocery store parking lot feeling as if I would explode, but yet I could only get out a few sentences. With many failed attempts, any kind of writing was put on the back burner.The few things that I have written are not up to my usual sound by far in comparison.  

In the past year I have moved to a different city, changed jobs, lost a grandparent, had my heart broken, abandoned by a friend, took a chance, explored nature, embraced being alone, and much much more. So heightened were my feelings of loss, betrayal, and wonder of what comes next.

I lost the passion for my writing for a while. Thought, why should I continue? Nothing becomes of it all. There are so many people out there who do this very same thing. What makes me any different from them? Even in finally writing on this site for the first time in a year I question whether to post this or not.

But your not here to just listen to me ramble. So I will get on with my point. 

I am going to start writing on here again. 

I am. I will.

I have so much to share. Even if it is only myself who comes back to read any of it. 

I will end this reign of writers block!


 

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Seed of Doubt

I stood proud and strong
With a song in my heart
Faced their questions with no second thoughts

But the pressures of life took their toll
People started to confess
They thought I was a fool

This grew in my mind once it was told
From the size of a small seed still naive but bold
It grew and grew until it clouded my effort
And now plagues my life like a poisoning weed

With no faith in the self
What more can be done?
When the motivations of dreams
Are shot down to none

Our society changes all that we think
Which jobs are approved and which ones are ‘weak’
What plans are secure
And what dreams are safe

Now the freedom to decide
Is what I fight and strive for
Though I’ve lost my own battle
I implore you to win yours 

Perhaps I’ll return one day
When the pressures of life start to fade
When new hope is enlightened
And my faith is redeemed

Changes must be made
But that change starts with me

Written 12/06/2010
By Nichole Hall

Day By Day

Day by day goes by
They past with the blink of an eye
None are distinguished

I try to slow it down
Spread each moment, heighten each sound
But it makes no use
Time keeps flowing on

What’s the use in living the days
They’re all the same
They’re painted in grays
Want to make them colorful
Give each moment a piece of soul

One by one, the past is gone
No one should have to look back alone
Take what you love and keep it close

What’s the use in living the days
They’re all the same
They’re painted in grays
Want to make them colorful
Give each moment a piece of soul

Written by Nichole Hall
3/5/2007

This one has a melody and it’s absolutely fun to sing. It was arranged in high school with a friend and we would sing it as a duet. 

A Long Awaited Refute

 

I trusted you
More than anyone
You were my world
And I, yours

 My trust gone
Shattered
Pieces in the wind
Your doing

 I looked to you
For support and love
I was your addition
The extra someone

 Thrown in on occasions
The person at your side
But never really a part
Of the family I admired

 You couldn’t understand
Your life so perfect
Ungrateful you were
And ignorance you grew

 How could you do it?
What had I done to you?
Said “No”, Yes I did
But you couldn’t let go

  Now you haunt me
At night during sleep
Why is it you still come
To enslave upon me?

 I erase you now
From my mind and subconscious
My freedom I shall have
And I damn well will flaunt it!

Written by Nichole Hall on 12/12/2011

Can’t Give it Up

So as I said yesterday that I would post another one from 10 years ago, here it is! This one sort of has a melody when I originally wrote it. Gotta make this quick as it’s an eventful Friday night.

Can’t Give it Up

The world is spinning slowly
Everything’s so slow
I try to leave this spot
But my feet won’t let me go
These feelings are so strong
But I still keep holding on
You tell me this is wrong
But I can’t let this go… oh.. oh

What am I waiting for
I don’t know 
But what I am waiting for
I just can’t let it go
All these walls are crumbling down
I’ve fallen to the ground
I can’t get up, I can’t give up
Oh no, I can’t give it up

Watch as the clouds roll by
They roll across the sky
I wish that I could fly
But my wings, they are tied down
The wind is blowing strong
I’m tired of hanging on
It scratches at my face
But I still stay in my place

What am I waiting for
I don’t know 
But what I am waiting for
I just can’t let it go
All these walls are crumbling down
I’ve fallen to the ground
I can’t get up, I can’t give up
Oh no, I can’t give it up

Then the rain falls down
It falls hard to the ground
It’s everything wet
And the mud, it makes me slip
But I’m not giving up
No matter how hard or rough 
I’ll give it all I’ve got
Till they can’t get enough

You say that this is wrong
That I’m still still hanging on
You say that I should go
But there’s something you should know
I’m not giving up, oh no
I’m not giving it up, oh yeah
I’m not giving it up, oh oh
I can’t give it up

Written 1/31/2004 by Nichole Hall

        Throughout high school using ‘but’ a lot was a big problem.

10 years ago, words from my 15 year old self

        Last time I posted I was tempted to share this one originally but decided it wasn’t fitting for the time and the 30th would be coming up shortly anyways. Why not wait until it is exactly 10 years old? 🙂

        It is not near my best but it is also not my worst. 

Live Life

There’s a pain inside I just can’t bare

Although I pretend that it’s not there
To blind to see that I need someone
To help to make me understand
That I cannot change the life I live
No matter how it turns and bends

If I could change my life everything would be alright
If I could change the world where would I begin?
If I could just face the truth that my life will never be…
Exactly how I want it to be

Everyone has secrets they can’t shake
No matter how hard they try
If they confessed their darkest fears  
Then maybe they would no longer hide
Just live one day at a time
If you do this, then you’ll be fine

If I could change my life everything would be alright
If I could change the world where would I begin?
If I could just face the truth that my life will never be…
Exactly how I want it to be

So try to live your life all the way through
Because then the best will come back to you
And try to live as best you can
No matter what you must do

Written 1/30/2004 by Nichole Hall

        Now obviously my outlook on life has matured, but I suppose one would feel a lot more confined and powerless as a growing teenager. However, I would still agree with they last part. Would you not?

        Tomorrow I will have another 10 year old writing that I like better. I may continue to do this to keep the posts coming when I have nothing I’d like to write about.

        Till tomorrow 😉

A Pack Rat of Emotions

Imagine a piece of paper. On that paper is just a giant glob of scribbles. So many and so tight that it is impossible to differentiate any of the lines apart. It is continuous to the point where most of the white of that paper is subdued and you are left with an abyss of darkness. Except of course that it is only one sheet of paper. Thankfully. I know it is not truly an abyss.

I would say this is my feelings of frustration with myself currently.

I keep everything I write. At least a good 98% of it. I like to look back and see how I have grown and how the writing progresses. And it truly is amazing how something you wrote over ten years ago can still be found relatable time and time again.

Since it is already getting late, with work so soon in my horizon and my sudden determination to post something, I sifted through old writings again. Since I awoke from an unexpected nap earlier today I have been out of sorts. As I re-read this piece for the hundredth gazillionth time I realized that my out of sorts feelings is from a disappointment with myself. I am very stagnant and there are a couple of things I would very much like to overcome. Here’s hoping. I am striving onward.

Here is the piece in remembrance..

Pack Rat of Emotions

A pack rat of emotions
I fail to release my feelings
Once again they’re racked up in my head
One by one they cross my mind
The cycle never ends

Thinking about words once said from my mouth and yours
It’s amazing how you can look back and relive it all again
If I could change things once done and take it back before I had begun
Would things be different?
Or would they be the same?

Take a stand for what I believe in
Release my heart and my feelings
Not let it build up inside
Take my plans to action
For once get a reaction
Not be afraid to be the one
The only one who asks why

Opportunities always missed
Failing to get the point accross
Once again I’m trying to explain
One by one excuses come
To back myself up for what I have not done
Once again you scowl at me and send me on my way

I know what I want but it seems too hard to reach
The Lord knows how hard I’ve tried and all the plans I’ve made
You know that this isn’t right
For beating myself within my pride
But could things be different if I tried?

Take a stand for what I believe in
Release my heart and my feelings
Not let it build up inside
Take my plans to action
For once get a reaction
Not be afraid to be the one
The only one who asks why

The Lord knows how hard I’ve tried
And all the plans I made
But I never did carry them out
They would have worked out great
This was my first big step
Just writing this song
I will not regret writing this
It didn’t even take that long..

Written by Nichole Hall 05/23/2005

And… as I typed this I notice my own contradiction… -knows how hard I’ve tried and all the… and ….But could things be different if I tried?- See it? Yeah…. but I guess it shows that if you REALLY tried your hardest, you wouldn’t be asking how things would be if you had tried harder… point being, I am going to.

Goodnight Folks!